Thoughts of A Twisted Mind...

As some of you are aware, a new year has passed. With that in mind, many many things have happened this year. As I am sure you are aware, I am no longer dating Travis, and that I would have to say is definitly for the best. He is now married, and is expecting his first child any day now. I am now dating a long time friend of mine, he is very aggravating sometimes, but he too, just like anyone else has his good times, and those are the ones that I look forward to. I am fighting with a new kingdom, the Kingdom of Riverheim...If you're ever in the Council Bluffs area of Iowa, you should check it out. Every Sunday. I have also started a new job at Omaha Steaks, and I'm really pushing to get on at PayPal here in Omaha...ALL KINDS OF FUN STUFF!!! But I would have to say that the biggest news this year so far is that I lost 85lbs!! ya, it just melted away in the summer heat...and I tell you what, working at Domino's really helped with that lol. Thats about all I have so far, I will be online more often posting more as time passes, and I hope you all enjoy reading what I will be coming up with next

 How stupid i am sometimes. there will be no correct grammer with this, cause its dark and i cant really see the keyboard, so please forgive me. what i managed to do is so notorios that im actually disgusted with myself, i managed to completely look past my relationship with my boyfriend, and look at and stress over all the dumb bullshit in my life. mostly with work, i paid more attention to work and issue like that rather then see what it was that i was doing, i fucked up the one thing in my life that i truly did not want to fuck up. i love this guy more then any other person in my life short of my grandmother, but never in the same way. if i thought that it would matter i would cut out my heart and just give it to him, i just want for him to be happy, but more importantly, i wanted him to be happy with me. i know that break ups are hard, i know this, have you ever been able to find everything youve ever wanted in a person, only to completely ignore it and let it slip through your hands?? if so, then you know what im feeling right now. i did manage to convience him to just give it a couple of days without me around to think about it then see what we can do with it. hopefully everthing works out in my favor. this year has kicked my ass, and im really tired of having things anything not go my way. i really do truly love him, with everything i am i love him, and i dont just love him, but everytime he held me, or made me laugh i fell in love with him all over again. everything ive done this year has been for him, and one of my faults is that i havent taken anytime for myself. everyone from my mother to him have told me this. i stress too much about making everyone else around me happy that ive forgotten to take time to relax and make myself happy for a while. i never wanted to end up like my mother, but i did. friday night i did something i swore that i would never do and never did til that point. i was pissed, depressed, and said to hell with it. i bought a bottle of rum and got smashed. very very very fuckered. i found everything i had ever EVER been looking for, and i fucked up the one thing i was trying so hard to hold on to. the only thing that did make me happy, and felt right, i fucked up. and i dont know how to fix it. i have no clue about this one. all i know is that everytime he held me, touched me in some small way, and even every time he kissed me, it felt right. i was never happy til i found him. i know how that sounds, but its truth. before him, i was either pissed of about something, depressed, lonely, bored, just generally not happy. then he came into my life, and all of a sudden im laughing, and having fun again, getting back to my old free spirited self. then i got screwed in a horrible way, then i started getting stressed out to get back into a better situation. and from that i forgot what was important. i never usually want for anything, but i want him. at one point i thought i needed him, but thats not the case here, i know that i can eventually move on from this, itll take alot longer then the rest, and it deffinatly hurts more, but i want him. i dont care about money, or possessions. but i care about him, and because of what i did, i cant have him anymore. right now i just really wish that he could see all of this, i know that some part of it would matter to him, though im not sure which ones. i also wish that there was someone around who i could talk to and who would talk with him to help make this right. but theres not. there are some, but i wont ask. im waiting to see if anyone cares enough to do it on their own, and if he'll even listen. i dont know, maybe im just talking out of my ass at this point. i just really cant believe that i was so fucking stupid.

how long its been since my last post here, sorry about that. well, back in January I started college for cosmetology, and it went well for a while, my ex and i got back together and he moved out here to be with me. I also found the job of my dreams for the while, the place that i started working allowed me to have my piercings and the strange hair and didn't look or think twice about it either, call centers are great things. not to mention that the pay was GREAT!!! lol, but i digress, i got WAYYYYYYY to stressed out with juggling school and work so now i'm barely going to school and the job that i had i got laid off from due to economy based cutbacks, i was working for them through a temp agency and because of this years first quartley's they had to let go of all of their temporary people, me being one of them. so now im out of a job, dental problems are kicking my ass, and to top it off, im having a hell of a time keeping gas in the car so that i can get a job again. but the good news is that i did manage to get pissed off enough at my teeth that i went to the emergency room last night so that i could get some pain killers...thats been pretty much it, i have access to a computer all this next week so keep an eye out for the short story "untitled" to be extended, and if ya'll have any suggestions for names based on whats there already feel free to suggest. all names will be considered. ty for reading this, and i hope that you know feel better about your life based on the troubles with mine. :)

"Lestat" from Anne Rice's vampire series, where Lestat is the main character in the trilogy. He spends his entire existence trying to find someone, one person to love, so that he can finally feel what its like to love, and be love. He has a passion for art, the one place that he can be happiest in his curse...is also cursed. For, everytime he plays his violin he shatters ears. He is also tired, tired of this curse, tired of the life that mortals possess, and to help justify that in his own personal way, he becomes a mercenary of sorts. His payment, the blood that he drinks, his peace, the knowledge that there is still some goodness left in him.

   








    Sitting there, as she was, dressed in nothing more then a robe. Her computer on her screen saver, which made the picture look as though it were on fire. She had just gotten a call from her brother, Ryan, regarding news of her husband.

    "Victoria, I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but Mitchel has died." This news put her into a silent shock, 'there was no way he could be dead', she thought to her self, 'I just spoke with him this morning'.
    After a moment she managed to clear her throat and said, "h...how did he die?"

    "He was shot, he was working a job for some guy named Bill, when things got out of hand...Bill got my number from his wallet. Was the only number in there I guess, anyway, I've got a number for you to call, to make arrangements for the funeral, and the officer whose handling the case wants to speak with you soon as possible, they wont let me handle it because it's a conflict of interest...are you still there Vicky?"

    "Ya, I'm here, what are those numbers?" After scribbling down the names and numbers of who she needed to contact, she said good bye to her brother. She sat there for a while, trying to comprehend what she had heard. After she made her calls, she got dressed and started packing up a few things that she would need while she stayed at her mom's house. When she was done, she picked up a picture of Mitch and her, on their trip to the coast...

    Mitch was possibly the most handsome man on the planet, she thought. He had blond hair green and brown eyes, almost baby faced, but defined. He had a short mustache and goat-tee. His build is what she loved most about him. He was six foot two, and weighed only one hundred seventy-five pounds. He was, in her opinion, the most amazing person in the world. He was intelligent, funny, deep, and sensual, he also had the same mindset towards humanity that she did. The world is spoiled, and the greed that rules it is the only fuel that still adds to the fire. The world lacks passion for anything, and the sense of compassion has been lost for thousands of years.

    As she was getting the house ready so she could leave for an extended time a knock came from the door, as she opened it, she saw a younger and an older gentlemen who introduced himself as Bill and Cass. These were the people that Ryan was talking about. She thought to herself as she invited them in. "You're lucky you caught me when you did, I was just on my way out of town for a couple of days." Trying to hold back tears as she thought as to why she was going out of town, while she was pouring drinks.

    She offered Bill and Cass glasses of scotch on the rocks, then took her seat.

    "I assure you Victoria, we understand how you must be feeling right now...your husband was a very trusted colleague of mine." Bill said as he took a seat on the maroon couch. Cass preferred to stand. "Mitchel asked that upon his death, that Cass and I meet with you, to discuss with you, the exact nature of his death. What I'm about to tell you I must ask that you never repeat to another living being on this planet. Once I've finished I believe that you shouldn't have a problem keeping this secret. Once I am done explaining this to you, I will make you an offer. But first, do you have any questions for me?"

    She sat for a second thinking, This MUST be some serious shit that he got himself into. "umm..."

    "I am prepared for full disclosure my dear, anything you want to know I will answer. You are the first outsider who I have and will ever make this particular offer too." He said waiting patiently, Vitoria thought that he looked like the intellectual grandfather type. He had a face that was warm and wise, all the hair on his head and face was white, there wasn't a hair out of place, he had bright blue eyes which added to his over all look. She guessed that he was around 60 years old, from the way he walked...He had a slight limp on his left leg.

    "What do you mean by outsider?" she asked, confused by the reference of the term.

    "Had he ever told you what he did for a living?"

     "No."

    "Well," he said as he got more comfortable. "He worked for me, I, am the largest dealer of illegal narcotics in the north western hemisphere. Mitch and Cass were partners, and my right hand men. If I needed something done, I would use one of them to do it. You can choose to believe me or not. Mitch, your husband died not because of me, but because of a group called "The Jaguars". We were getting ready to take them, when one of them fired first by mistake from what I understand. Well, that one gun shot started a mass survival panic, it was all gun fire and for about 5 minutes. Once everything was said and done, two of my men were dead, one of them being Law, the other being Cass's cousin Joey. We only managed to get one of them. The others drove off and are probably planning their next move as we speak. Which is one reason I wanted to speak with you personally. I appreciate you leaving a message earlier when you called, and it was after I heard it that I decided I should come over and pay my respects."

    "What could I possibly do?" She said. "The only thing I know how to do is type, I'm a writer."

    "No wonder Mitch wanted to marry you..." A small chuckle escaped his lips, "You're quite possibly the safest person he knew. Almost guaranteed not to get in or cause trouble."

    Now she was really holding back tears. All she ever did was write, Mitch had always tried to get her to go out with him to places. When they first met, 5 years ago she loved going to the movies, dancing, etc. But this year there was another death for her to deal with, her sister Ashley. Ashley was her twin, and half of her guiding light. Being twins, they both share the same physical characteristics. Ashley and Victoria were five foot and three inches tall, one hundred and ten pounds. They both had light brown hair with natural strawberry blond high lights, and bright green and blue eyes.  To tell them apart when they were  babies, their mother would  dress them in different colors, Victoria was dressed in green, and her sister in purple.
   
     After her funeral Victoria never felt whole again, and now with the death of her husband she felt more alone then ever. She regretted not taking her vacation as planned and taking Mitch to Hawaii. No, she just HAD to finish that manuscript didn't she.

    "Oh, I'm sorry dear, I didn't mean to upset you...Let me just cut to the chase. I believe in love, and I believe in revenge. With the way that Mitch spoke about you, I believe that he did truly love you. And I feel that his killers deserve true justice, a life for a life. I am willing to help you achieve that. You have my number, when you decide the time is right, you call me, and tell me what you want to do. I'll give you a week before I take matters into my own hands." With that, he and Cass took their leave.

    She almost couldn't believe what she had just heard. She knew that there was a good reason why Mitch never talked about his work. But, then again, she never asked. Would he have told her if she had? Knowing him, it would probably be a very vague answer at best.
    She washed the glasses, and put away the scotch, grabbed Bill's phone number, and locked up her house.

    When she arrived at her mother's house her brother, Ryan, was already there waiting. Her mother Sunni, opened the door as Victoria pulled into the driveway. Without saying a word, she got out of the car, walked up to her mom, hugged her, and started crying. The shock was over.
  
    Shortly after she arrived at her mother's, her brother announced that according to the officer handling the case had a suspect in custody. Victoria was more then curious, she wanted to see for herself.
"There's nothing I can do Vicky, it's not my case. You know how much I liked Mitch, I mean shit, I loved him like a brother. But there's just nothing I can do." Ryan said, as he took another drink of his coffee.

    "I know, and I'm sorry, I just..."

    "I know, I know...we all know how you must feel Vicky, but I promise you this, Officer Pratt isn't going to let this case go. He's made this his top priority, the captain doesn't back him all the way, BUT he does agree that it's better Pratt be on the case, than me."

    Sunni was listening in waiting for the right moment to interrupt. "Vicky baby, your room is ready if you want to put your stuff away." With that, she gave her brother a hug, then excused herself. She put her things away in her old room. She was surprised to see that her mom had left it the way it was when she graduated college. It still had her awards from high school gym and track, a first place national writing award, various other awards for short stories and such, then she saw it. The first novel she'd written. A fantasy romance where the heroine discovers a plot to over throw her throne and in order to save herself and her country she must marry and kill the king who wishes for her kingdom. It was on the top sellers list for 4 months, Time's Magazine published an article about her, "Only 17 and already an accomplished author." It even still had the pale baby blue paint on the walls. The green sheets, and comforter were still there. Her glass frog collection on the mantel of her window collecting dust.

    She picked up the picture of her and Mitch at their senior prom. He had been her high school sweetheart and her first love, true there had been some rough patches, but some how...things had always worked out.

   
    Ryan called the stairs to her, "VICKY! Mom says dinner's ready!" The way he said it reminded her of when they were kids, and fighting all the time.

    "So do you know what you're going to do now?" Her mother asked.

    "No clue yet mom, no clue. I think I might just take some time off, finish this novel I'm working on. Call up some friends that I haven't seen in a while. I don't know, probably just move on.


More to come later.

This day I can already tell will be a bad day...First off, for some strange reason my mom's alarm clock went off today...I find that odd because well, she's out of town, and not due back til this evening...on top of that, it HASN"T gone off at all the past 2 days that shes been gone...
Now for the next factor of why this day will be bad...yesterday I got 10 calls from some place called HSBC i have no fucking idea what they want, or why they call, and neither of my parents will tell me...anyway these people started calling at 7 am...7 in the fucking am...................this disturbs my sleep, thus pissing me off...when i spoke with them yesterday, I told them that he would be out of town and not to call back til after the holiday. the calls ended, THEN at about 8 something this morning, (after i knocked over my drink with my blanket, after killing the alarm, then having to get up and letting the dog out) they call AGAIN!!! ive only gotten about MAYBE 5 hours of sleep...and while im tired, i dont think i could get back to sleep and be able to wake back up within a couple hours to get the house straightened up for my mom...damn im fucking tired...and to top it off...i think im getting sick again...